Pastor, “I’m alone in this” is more of a decision than you think. Here’s who you need.

Two pastors serve in the same town with the same pressure. The first tells himself nobody gets what he does. He lives in a glass house, keeps his staff at arm’s length, and lets his old friendships go cold. His only friends are his Bible and his pulpit. The second calls the pastor down the street, takes a mentor to lunch, and makes sure there are pastors over him who know the real him. Same calling. Different belief. Different future. If you’ve been saying, “I’m alone in this,” I want to push on that story a little, because I think it’s more of a choice than it feels like.

The old story: “I’m alone in this”

It sounds like: “No one can help me. I’m a lone wolf. I’m a man unto myself. No one gets me. No one understands what I carry.” You’re a public figure living in a glass house.

And there are real reasons it feels true. Church members usually aren’t the people you bleed with. Paranoia can isolate you from your staff. And the one couple you finally trusted takes a new job and moves away.

What it costs

When you believe you’re alone, you stop reaching. Nobody gets to see the real you, nobody helps you think about how to get where God is taking you, and nobody is positioned to speak into your life when you need it. You carry the whole weight of ministry with no pressure release.

Breaking the old story

Here’s the hinge: loneliness is not just a state. It’s a decision. You’re as lonely as you choose to be. That’s blunt, but think about it. You didn’t call the pastors in town. You let your college friendships go. You walled off your staff.

There are pastors within a hundred miles of you that you could be friends with right now. There are people playing pickleball down the road. There are denominations you can join and covering you can find. So I think about it in three tiers:

• Peers. Pastors in your town, from any tribe. People you can be the real you with, and friends you can golf with and just have fun.
• Mentors. People who are ahead of you. The best ones are often the people who don’t have time to meet with you. Ask anyway, pay for lunch, and bring your questions. A mentor won’t solve your loneliness, but he’ll help you see how to get there.
• Covering. An overseeing group of pastors who have real authority to speak into your life.

That last one matters, and the composition is the point. Dentists should oversee dentists. Pastors should oversee pastors. If the only oversight you have is a board of non-pastors, some of whom resent what you’re paid, don’t look to them to solve your loneliness. That can make it worse.

And above all of it: you are never truly alone. Scripture says the Lord is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18), and Jesus promised He is with us always (Matthew 28:20). There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. If you feel completely alone right now, start there. Pray, and rest in His presence.

The new belief: I need covering, mentors, peers, and people who know the real me

People are a gift from God in your life. When you stop seeing people as the problem and start seeing them as a gift, you’ll be thankful for the people He’s already put in your world, and you’ll go after the ones you still need. Who can you have fun with? Who can you work with? Who can you learn from? Go get those people.

What to do this week

1. Call a pastor in your town. Any tribe. Make the first move this week.
2. Ask a busy mentor to lunch. Pay for it, and show up with your questions written down.
3. Rekindle an old friendship and check your covering. Call the buddy you haven’t talked to in two or three years, and for the first ten questions, make it about him. Then make sure pastors, not only non-pastors, are providing covering over your life.

You may feel alone, but you don’t have to stay alone. Loneliness is not just a state. It’s a decision. So make a different one: pick up the phone, make the list, and let the people God has put around you actually know you.