Pastor, “If people leave, I’ve failed” isn’t true. Here’s how to release them with love.

Two pastors lose a family they loved. The first takes it as a verdict on his whole ministry. He replays every conversation, closes his heart, and decides it’s safer never to get close to anyone again. The second grieves it honestly, asks whether any of it was on him, and then opens his home to the next family anyway. Same loss. Different belief. Different future. If you’ve told yourself, “If people leave, I’ve failed,” this is about how to carry that scar, and how to release people with love when seasons change.

The old story: “If people leave, I’ve failed”

It sounds like, “If people leave my church, it’s my fault. So I’ve just got to keep people as long as I can.” Underneath it is another belief: everyone who starts with me should stay forever.

It feels true because it hurts. And every pastor I know has the same scar: the scar of betrayal. I thought this family would be with me forever. I thought this staff member would be with me forever. I thought this person would always give.

I know a multisite pastor whose campus pastor betrayed him and ruined the campus. He ended up closing it, and afterward he couldn’t trust anyone. That’s what this wound can do.

What it costs

What you do with that pain determines a lot about how you treat other people. Either you take it inward and become destructive toward yourself, or you get angry and bitter toward others and wall yourself off. Either way, ministry gets very lonely, and it becomes really easy to stop opening your heart to anyone because you’ve been hurt.

Breaking the old story

First, kill the idea that everyone stays until Jesus comes. People leave for regular reasons. They move. They die, and you do the funeral. They get called somewhere else. Sometimes the hot new church opens down the road and you’re just not cool anymore (my kids remind me I’m not cool anymore). Sometimes they get offended because you forgot their birthday, or because you preached on the sin they don’t want to stop doing. People come and people go. That’s a normal part of life, and you don’t have to take all of it so personally.

Second, sometimes people need to go. Some people are so dysfunctional they’re harming a lot of others, and they need to be dealt with through discipline. If you find yourself praying that someone leaves, there’s probably a hard conversation you’ve been avoiding. Some departures happen months later than they should have. Sometimes subtraction is multiplication. Some of you already get that. Some of you are young and you will eventually.

Third, sometimes it is on you. Both things are true. Sometimes people leave because you’ve been avoiding things. Own what’s yours, and release what isn’t.

The deepest part of the betrayal often comes from looking for forever friends inside our own congregation. Sometimes they’re there and sometimes they’re not. A good friend of mine planted a church that’s doing really well. He finally found a couple in his church he and his wife could relate to, kids the same age. Right as the friendship was growing, the husband’s job moved them to another city. My friend was heartbroken. Nobody did anything wrong. A season just changed.

The new belief: I release people with love when seasons change

When people leave, it doesn’t automatically mean you failed. Sometimes it’s a good thing. Sometimes it’s just a normal thing. So don’t attack yourself, and don’t attack them. Keep a clean spirit.

And don’t refuse friendship just to avoid getting hurt again. Open your heart anyway. Open your home anyway. Be friendly anyway. Be kind anyway. Just because you’ve been hurt in the past doesn’t mean you can’t open your heart again.

What to do this week

1. Grieve the departure that still stings. Name it honestly before the Lord. Ask what, if anything, was on you, and release the rest to Him.
2. Have the avoided conversation. If you’ve been praying someone leaves, stop praying around it. Step in and do the right thing.
3. Build at least one friendship outside your church. Your congregation can’t be your only source of friendship. Reach out to someone this week.

People will come and people will go. You’ll carry a scar or two. But you don’t have to let the scar close your heart. Release people with love, keep a clean spirit, and you’re going to get through it.