Pastor, “If I finally do this, then people will respect me” is a trap. Live for one validation.

Two pastors finish the same Sunday. One walks out of the lobby replaying every comment, wondering whether the people he’s trying to impress finally noticed. The other asks himself one question, “Did I please Jesus today?” and goes home to his family. Same Sunday. Different belief. Different future. If you’ve ever thought, “If I finally do this, then people will respect me,” this is about the validation you’re chasing, and the only one that will ever hold your weight.

The old story: “If I finally do this, then people will respect me”

Do you ever feel like you’re trying to prove yourself? Is there someone in your life you’re still trying to prove it to? For a lot of men, it’s a father whose love always felt conditional. It can be a spouse, too.

I had a good friend whose dad was never happy that he decided to become a minister. He thought, “Maybe if I finally have a really successful church, my dad will be proud of me.” And he told me it was good motivation. It helped him. That’s why the story feels true: it works, for a while. It gets you out of bed. But he kept chasing outward affirmation, and it never stopped.

What it costs

The distortion is measuring yourself by validation instead of faithfulness to God. And it compounds.

Let me be fair: validation is nice. When someone tells you, “You’re gifted, you’re doing the right thing,” that can be really helpful. And you should be giving that kind of encouragement to your staff.

But if you’re never validated, here’s what tends to happen. You get grumpy. You stop encouraging other people. The leader who was never validated often won’t validate anyone else either. It becomes all stick, no care, at work and at home. You’re always looking for validation, always looking to be needed, always looking to be loved. That’s deep insecurity.

It also wrecks the line between work and home. If your sense of worth depends on how today went, you never really leave the office.

Breaking the old story

Some people will never be happy with you. That’s just true. And let’s keep some perspective: some of you could have been C-suite executives, and some of you probably couldn’t have. Don’t think too highly of yourself either way.

My purpose hasn’t changed. My identity hasn’t changed. If I feel a certain way about myself based on what I do, I’m in trouble, because assignments change all the time. But my identity is secure in Christ. I’m loved. I’m forgiven. The promises of God are yes and amen in Him (2 Corinthians 1:20).

That applies to the lobby, too. Some people will tear you up after a sermon, and some will make you feel like the greatest preacher since Billy Graham. Neither is true. It’s probably always somewhere in the middle. Don’t let the highs be too high or the lows be too low. Be thankful, be gracious, be kind, and know you can get better.

Another friend of mine was mocked by his brother for being a pastor. His brother thought it was silly and stupid, and for years it bummed him out. He kept praying. Years later, his brother gave his life to Jesus and told him, “I was wrong. What you do is great.” That’s a beautiful story of God redeeming a life. But notice the lesson: sometimes affirmation comes later, and sometimes it never comes. You can’t build on it either way.

The new belief: living for one validation

We live for one validation: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21). It’s like being in the military. I’m following the orders of my general, my King, who has told me, “Go here. Do this. Be faithful.” I get my security from Jesus. I get my validation from Jesus. One day I’m going straight into His arms, and I want to have asked every day, “Did I please Jesus today?”

What to do this week

1. Use the end-of-day scorecard. Did I work hard? Did I do my best? Could I have done more? Of course. Am I okay with today?
2. If the answer is yes, go be home. Be at work when you’re at work and home when you’re home. Don’t let the hunt for validation erase the line between them.
3. Give what you wish you’d received. Tell your staff specifically what they’re doing well. Break the cycle with them.

The affirmation may come. It may not. Either way, be secure in who you are in Christ. A “well done” from Him is worth everything. Same situation. Different belief. Different future.