Pastor, “Conflict is something to avoid” could be the ceiling on your church’s growth.

Two pastors notice the same tension in the room. Maybe it’s a staff member who keeps missing the mark, or a strong personality who makes everyone else uneasy. The first pastor hopes it works itself out. He prays about it, avoids the hallway, and waits. The second pastor picks up the phone and says, “Hey, we need to meet.” A year later, one church is still stuck and the other is moving. If your gut says, “Conflict is something to avoid,” let’s talk about why that story is holding you back, and how to start moving toward the conversations that matter.

The old story: “Conflict is something to avoid”

It’s easy to believe this one. Conflict isn’t fun. It’s difficult. A lot of us were never trained how to have it. And we’ve all met people who just like to argue and always want a fight, so we tell ourselves the godly thing is to stay out of it.

But here’s the principle I keep coming back to: anything I avoid will become worse over time. Anything I don’t deal with will become worse over time. If you want to go from chaos to order, you have to have hard conversations.

What it costs

I was coaching a church of about 40 to 50 people that sat under a ceiling. They couldn’t grow past it. When we dug for the root cause, it was one toxic personality the pastor wouldn’t confront: a big giver who got things done.

Think about what that does to a room. Nobody wanted to invite their friends into that. When the pastor finally confronted this person, they left in pride, and the tension left with them. The response from people in the church? “I can invite anyone now.”

That’s the cost of avoidance. Not just one awkward relationship, but a whole church that quietly stops inviting. You might be three hard conversations away from finally being able to grow. And if you avoid them, the only person you have to blame is yourself.

Breaking the old story

In the church growth era, we’ve forgotten church discipline. But there are different kinds of hard conversations: corrective ones, disciplinary ones, and vision conversations. Not all of them are dramatic. Some of you just need clarity conversations with your staff: “Here’s what I like. Here’s what I don’t. Here’s where we’re going together.” Sometimes that means a performance improvement plan: in the next 90 days, I need to see this, this and this, and I want you reporting back to me on how it’s going.

You also need a filter. Not everybody gets to meet with you. But when you sit down, know the purpose: What is this conversation about? What’s the goal?

Then lead with vision. Say, “Here’s what I see for your life. I think you could be this and this and this. Don’t you agree?” When they say yes, you can say, “Great. Then let’s deal with this, because it’s holding you back from what God has for you.” If you can agree on an outcome together, you can deal with the hard thing so you can both run toward it.

This isn’t about looking for conflict everywhere. It’s about being a shepherd. These people were entrusted to your care and your leadership. Shepherds can’t avoid hard conversations with the sheep in front of them.

The new belief: I move toward the conversations that matter

When you see it, and you know it needs to be done, take care of it. Take care of it right away. The best thing you can do is not gossip and not complain, but pick up the phone and deal with it. That’s not harshness. That’s love with a spine, and it’s one of the ways God brings order out of chaos in His church.

What to do this week

1. Name the conversations you’ve been avoiding. Write down the names. Then, in the next ten minutes, text each one: “Hey, we need to meet. I want to talk about this.” Book the time.
2. Walk in with a vision for their life. Decide the purpose of the conversation ahead of time, name what you see for them, and name clearly what must change.
3. Give a clear deadline, then follow through. Whether it’s a 90-day plan for a staff member or a next step for a volunteer, set the date and ask them to report back.

Every conversation that doesn’t happen gets worse. The hard conversation you’re dreading might be the very thing standing between your church and its next step of growth. Same situation. Different belief. Different future.