Pastor, the voice that says “Kill yourself” is lying. There’s always hope.

This is the hardest lesson in the course, and I want to say it gently. Depression, anxiety, loss, and shame come to all of us, pastors included. And when we move into isolation, broken and sad, there’s a voice that comes close and tells us it’s over. Scripture never records the serpent saying these words, but I believe he has spoken them many times. This article is about naming that lie, and about the hope that answers it.

If you’re in a dark place right now, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, U.S.) or reach out to someone tonight. You don’t have to sit with this alone.

What despair is

Despair is the settled conclusion that I’m beyond God’s grace: it’s over, and there’s no way back. It isn’t the same as sadness or grief, which are real and human. Despair is a verdict about God’s mercy, and it’s a false one.

The church has long taken this seriously. Aquinas taught that despair is a sin in itself, because it refuses the mercy of God. Augustine, in The City of God, wrote that Judas’s remorse wasn’t repentance, because it didn’t turn him back to God, and that his despair was the deeper sin.

The serpent’s question

Jesus said the thief “comes only to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10). Part of what the serpent wants to destroy is you. His question sounds like this: “Did God really say there’s forgiveness for this?”

Here’s his trick: he uses true guilt to prove a false conclusion. The guilt may be real. The conclusion, “I’ve gone too far,” is a lie.

Step 1 — Look at Judas and Peter side by side

Both men failed Jesus on the same night. Judas betrayed Him. Peter denied Him three times. Judas had real remorse. He returned the money and said, “I have sinned, for I have betrayed innocent blood” (Matthew 27:4). But he decided he was beyond grace, and Judas took his own life.

Peter’s failure was every bit as public, and he stayed on the board. He listened to the voice of Jesus instead, and Jesus restored him on the shore: “Feed my sheep,” three times, one for each denial (John 21:15–17). Judas’s error wasn’t the size of his sin. It was deciding it was past reach. Judas could have been restored like Peter was.

John Chrysostom preached that we should weep for Judas. He also noticed that at the table, Jesus said “one of you” rather than naming him, leaving room for repentance right up to the end. That’s the heart of God. The door was open.

Step 2 — Say it out loud, pastor to pastor

We wouldn’t admit this from the stage, because we’re supposed to be men of faith and power for the hour. But I think many pastors, if they’re honest, have had far lower moments than they’d ever admit. The role suppresses it. You have to be the man of vision and faith, so there’s little room to process grief, and the isolation does the rest.

So let me say it plainly: you’re allowed to be in a bad place. You are not the only one who has heard that voice. And once you can say that out loud, you’ll realize other people in your church have heard it too, and they need a pastor who isn’t ashamed to say so.

Step 3 — Don’t let it get you alone

Judas walked out of the room. By the time the thought landed, he was alone with it in the dark, isolated and full of shame and guilt. That’s when the voice hits hardest. It gets loudest in isolation.

That doesn’t mean a man with good friends who still hears it is uniquely broken. It means don’t let the voice get you alone. Don’t let isolation become your normal. Be with people. Reach out to a pastor, a friend, a counselor. Do the hard work you need to do to be restored in Jesus.

Step 4 — Hold on to what is true

There is always help, and there is always hope in Jesus Christ. Even in the worst situation. Even if you’re caught in sin. You are never beyond saving, and you always have an opportunity to be restored to the Lord, no matter what you’ve done. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18).

If you’re there tonight, go have the conversation tonight. Call someone. Call or text 988. Don’t sit with it alone. Keep going. Keep living.

Reject this sermon of the serpent. Don’t give up. There is never a reason to take yourself off the board. You are never beyond saving, and there is always hope in Jesus. And at the end of this life, as hard as it is, you will hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).